Porcupines

This is for my stalker boyfriend:)

My dream last night-

I'm sorry but I have forgotten a lot of it, but I remember I was in a room with Josh, and I think it was supposed to be my house.  It was a pretty open floor plan, and you could walk a circle in and out of the kitchen to the living room around this wall.  We were cooking like we normally do and talking about the next phase of the relationship and the thoughts and feelings and everything that went along with it.  Bella was in the other room and she started barking.  All of a sudden there was a porcupine as big as Bella in the living room.  I went to get a better look and then somehow it switched to my getting hit with his quills.  We had to pull them out one by one, which was an insanely painful process, and then I was very frightened by the animal.  But somehow it was supposed to be connected with me and all it wanted was my affection.  I had the knowledge that it just wanted me to pet it and love it, and I had a desire to pet it and love it, and Josh wanted me to love it too, but I was too scared to touch it because I knew it would hurt me again.  Then it started to chase me in circles from the kitchen to the living room and back to the kitchen.  It was strange and scary and confusing.  

Sorry for the absence.

It's been a while and life has been crazy.  Still trying to find direction for my life, but God has given me peace throughout this whole crazy journey.  I know He has a plan.

I moved to Arkansas.  I live with my oldest sister and brother-in-law helping them with my niece while they get settled in to a new home and new place.  My sister got a new job, so they took me along for the ride.  So I continue my job search while living in a much pretty place and watching hours of Barney and friends and Clifford the Big Red Dog.

Bella is doing great.  She is getting bigger and bigger.  Love it.

And yes, I still dream a lot.  Mostly random dreams featuring people I knew in middle school.  I have no idea how or why they have been showing up in my dreams, but oh well.

I will try to post more frequently now that I am semi-settled.

More intense dreaming

I have been behind on updating my dreams.  I have been writing them down and meaning to add them for a while.

My dream last night/ this morning seemed to have completely taken me over.  I don't remember the whole plot, but I know it had something to do with three people.  So here goes me trying to explain it.

I think it started off with me in a market-type place.  I was thinking about Connor (an ex) and wondering if he remembered me.  He is pretty much the one guy that really hurt me, and I was just contemplating the whole ordeal, wondering how he was doing, and wondering if I'd ever see him again.  I came to the conclusion that I wouldn't and that it was probably for the better because I wouldn't know how to react if I did see him again.

Then there was this place that in my mind was a taxi place, but it was actually more like a ranch.  There were two guys and a girl working there, all my age, and they began to talk to me.  Apparently I had nowhere to sleep that night so I was going to stay with them.  One of the guys had taken to me and I guess he planned to pursue me.

The next morning they went to wake me up, but I wouldn't wake up.  Bella was next to me in her cage, but she stayed silent. (Her whining or barking would have jolted me awake.)  The more they tried to wake me up, the harder and harder to sleep I went.  The guy that had taken me was very worried because he had planned to take me out that day, and the girl was trying to wake me by tickling my feet or throwing water on me.  Every now and then I would move a little, but still no consciousness.

Then this evil man came.  He wanted to ruin the 3 people's lives, so I was his ticket to doing so.  Apparently he had done something that was keeping me from waking up, and then he was trying to steal a horse that the 3 owned.  Something in his plan went wrong, though, and I woke up.  Only I didn't wake up...I could see my sleeping body, but I had become an outside person while I slept.  So, the man was afraid I would ruin his plan.  The 3 saw what was going on, then, and the evil man began to chase me.  I had to run all around these cliffs barefoot and my feet started to hurt.  He finally caught me and took my soul.  The body that was left soulless then went out and found these random guys to bring into the barn so that when the guy that had taken to me saw me sitting with the other guys, it would hurt his feelings.  But the sleeping me felt bad and was desperately trying to wake up.  The guy wasn't hurt, though, because he understood that that body was a soulless body and it wasn't really me.  And because the evil man failed, I was able to wake up.

But now there were two me's!  One was the real me, and one was the soulless part who refused to come back to being me.  I had to argue with her and I guess she eventually disappeared or merged with me again.

Then, the other guy of the 3 took me aside and said he thought I would be a better match for him instead, and that the other guy was just too sensitive.  And then the first guy came to me and explained how hard it was to wake me up.  I casually told him that he should have made Bella whine and then I would have woken up.  It was a slap on the head moment for him, and then I woke up in real life to Bella whining.

And that is what I can remember of my dream last night.  I know there was more to it, but it is all random images in my mind now.  I will add my other dreams later.  The one from the night before was pretty neat.  It dealt with two alternating story lines.

Late Night Ramblings

I can't stop dreaming.

I watched a documentary about dreams and it was pretty informative.  Turns out there are dreams in REM and non REM sleep types.  They said they think that non REM dreams deal with positive emotions while negative emotions are dealt with in REM sleep.  Those who get enough non REM sleep tend to wake up with a positive outlook and those with too much REM dreams tend to have a negative outlook.

I am getting too much REM sleep.

It seems all my dreams lately are dealing with lack or loss of control, fear, running and lack of direction.  I have no direction in life.

I miss my playground days, when the world was a good place in my mind and people were kind and you could achieve anything if you just believed.


This whole growing up thing is difficult.  I wasn't prepared for this.  I am and am not ready all in one.  I'm exhausted and stuck and tired of being stuck.  I feel like a bird in a cage watching all the other birds flying through the clouds.

And that's my thoughts tonight.  Feeling pretty discouraged, but I know God can help me get through it. Prayers would be much appreciated, though.

Pool of fish

I have this odd love for fish.  I am fascinated with their beautiful colors and everything about them.  Some day I would like to like in an aquarium.  Or maybe be a janitor in one or something so I could see them everyday for free.  But until then, I have two aquariums in my room, one with a goldfish and the other with a bunch of mating fish.

Anyways, that is all to begin my dream so that it can be understood a little better.

My dream starts out with the mating fish.  They were getting overcrowded in the tank, and they were mutating and becoming other exotic fish.  There was a big storm and the rain flooded part of our backyard. It was a huge pond-like puddle, so I began to put some fish in that.  After a while, there were tons of beautiful fish in the pond-puddle, and one large catfish that looked more like a shark.  But they continued to mate and the pond sparkled with their colors.

Then my dad came out with fencing.  He had decided to redo the backyard and was going to put up a fence.  He told me we would be draining the pond-puddle because he wanted the fence to go through it.  I asked him if we could go around it, but he said no and that the fence was to split the yard.

Naturally, I was horrified and trying to figure out a way to save the innocent fish.  I guess my dad felt sorry for me, so he put up one of those pop-up pools that we had when I was a kid and filled it up with water for me to put the fish in.  But all I had to catch them with was a coffee cup.  This was a painstaking process and the water seemed to be draining way to fast.  so I would take water from the pool and put it on a puddle of mud to expose the fish and catch them all.  The catfish seemed ominous to catch, too.

Then the dream switched and the sides of the pool were transparent.  You could see all the fish and it was beautiful.  The pool was then in the middle of a place that was apparently where I lived, which is exactly how I hoped it would look.

And then the dream switched again.  I was now at a camp with a girl I haven't seen in years, but we grew up together at my old church.  This camp was a camp I went to when I was a child and helped out at some summers in high school.  I was helping out this time, and so was my friend.  However, it was way late at night and we and a group of people had snuck out to go to a patch of woods.  In this patch of woods was the same pool from earlier, but without the fish.  We were swimming and having fun until police officers came to arrest us for being up past curfew.  We all jumped out and everyone ran super fast except me.  So I hid in this little patch of bushes thanking God for my smallness.  But through this patch I could see them destroying my pool and I was sad and frightened.

And then I woke up.

Buy a monkey a bucket of chicken and have a barrel of fun with it.

I have been having tons of dreams again.  Last night I dreamt that there was a really bad man who did a lot of horrible things to people.  He was caught and there was a circle of people in the woods proceeding with his judgment.  The sentenced him to a life of pain.  He was to dip his feet in concrete seven times and then let that dry.  After it dried he was to walk until the next morning.  The next morning he was to dip his feet in concrete seven times and then walk until the next morning, and then it would continue on and on until he died.  It was crazy and creepy and scary.

I also dreamed the other night that I had a two year old daughter and lived in a tattered house in the middle of the lake.  It was dark and stormy, and something had gone wrong.  I was holding my daughter very tightly and trying to get back to the safety of the house.  In order to get there I had to walk on a rickety dock, and right before we reached the house the dock broke.  I had to make a huge jump to get to the other side.  There was an alligator in the water beneath us, waiting for my to slip and fall in the water or to drop my daughter.  Luckily I made the jump and got inside.  There was more to the dream, but I have unfortunately forgotten the rest of it.  But it seemed to center around me having to fight through bad things in order to protect my daughter.

My puppy has been dreaming, too.  She barks and growls and moves her paws all night.  I like to think she is on some grand adventure in her dreams.  Hopefully not attacking me in them.

Baby Wolverine in my tummy.

So, I was pretty much dying last night.  I have these random excruciating stomach pains that come every month or so, just for one day, no warning or reason that the doctors can find..

And last night was my night to get that pain again.  It started around 7 pm and lasted until about 4 something in the morning.  It was a night of wanting to scalp myself to take my mind off the pain and my stomach trying to purge everything in my body.

I felt like baby wolverine was in my belly, with his little claws scratching at my insides trying to get out.  Or like the Aliens thing when the alien comes out of the body.  It was painful.

Unfortunately I had eaten popcorn that day, so I got to puke it up later.  Needless to say I won't be craving popcorn for a very long time.  It was no fun.  Luckily my friend called around midnight or 1 and talked to me until the pain passed. It was a nice distraction.

Poor Bella stayed up all night at my side.  She tried to comfort me as best she could, and today she was exhausted.  She tried to play fetch with me outside, but she would lazily walk to the ball or stick and then grab it and lay down halfway back to me.  It was a sad effort, but at least she was trying.  I very much love my pup.

And that's my update about my dying experience.

The Banquet

This was my dream last night.

There was a bunch of us at my old church, before the new sanctuary had been built, and we were still using the old sanctuary.  The piano and everything was back in its place.  We were having a bible study, and it was a week long class, almost like camp because we all stayed there.  It was only with people my age and then two adult leaders.  There were other Bible study groups with people our age, too, going on, but the main focus was this group.

In my group was my sister, a guy who was an obvious stoner and cared nothing about others, a girl who never spoke and reminded me of the strange girl in The Breakfast Club, and a friend of mine from OBU named John.  There was also a girl who was very obese, which made her angry at the world and she let everyone know how much she didn't care.  I am guessing there was more in this group, but these are the ones that stuck out.

In our bible studies, we were all expected to give input and discuss, but only my sister and I ever really said anything.  We were also expected to support each other and encourage one another.  So my sister and I tried to reach out to the others and show them that they were loved and cared about.  I started hanging out with the Breakfast Club girl, and through that she started to grow and talk and open up to the others.  It was pretty awesome to see how her life was being transformed.

Somewhere in this was thrown in a part where the teacher was teaching us about this man who uses people's skin for art.  This was a visual story, like a split scene in my mind.  And this guy would take bodies from the morgue and then melt them.  They would come out with there eyes lower on their face, no mouth or nose, and looking quite scary.  After they were melted, he would cut away their skin and use it for something artistic.  But while this split screen story was going on, when he started to cut the skin, I heard faint screaming coming from the body.  There were no eyelids anymore and the eyes seemed to stare at me.  I then realized he wasn't getting his bodies from the morgue, but he was kidnapping them and melting them alive.  Then it switched to him doing that to me.  I could feel the fire and the knife and it was very scary.

At this point, I jolted awake, turned over, and fell back to sleep.

So the dream continued..

I was back in the bible study, and now there is a bowl being passed around with candy and small prizes.  I always got the candy.  But my sister got a card inviting her to a special banquet for the outstanding people of all the bible studies.  I was happy for her because I knew she deserved it.

After that, we were told to go do some quiet time alone with God.  So I went into the sanctuary and prayed for a little while.  Then I sat at the piano and played, but this playing seemed to be a part of my communication with God.  Like He was speaking to me through the keys.

After that, John and the stoner boy came and wanted me to play piano for them, too.  In real life, John used to play piano for me after our long drives when I was stressed or upset from something in life.  But now I was playing for him.

When we got back to the bible study, my sister was getting ready for the banquet.  I was still really excited for her because this was a great honor to get to go.  So I went in to help her get ready.  The next day, when I arrived at the bible study everyone was talking about the banquet and how wonderful it was.  They had all been secretly given invitations and only the angry girl and myself weren't invited.  I couldn't understand why I hadn't been invited, and why everyone else was secretly given invitations.  But I remember being sad because everyone seemed to have left me behind.  They all got to go to the great banquet, but I had to stay.

And that was my dream...

Pictures

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Dreams

I have been having some pretty vivid dreams again.  Most of them are scary and involve me dying or running from something.  But last night's dream broke that streak for once...

I was back at OBU, in the art building.  I was in a painting class and was surrounded by all these projects that I was working on.  It felt so good to be painting again, and everything was joyous and wonderful.  Then, two of my professors came in a took all my paintings and my supplies out of the room and threw them in the hallway.  They said they had to make way for newer students and that I wasn't allowed to paint anymore.  So me and this other girl who had been kicked out tried to go to another room, but that room was full too.  And for every room we entered, more and more people were in there setting up, and our professors followed us along telling us we weren't allowed to paint anymore.

Then this thought came over me...I kept thinking about how nothing was going for me in life and that all I had left was the work I had already finished, and I wasn't allowed to create anymore.  And I kept thinking, if I'm not allowed to paint, I might as well die.

And then I woke up.  It was very creepy in my head, and I don't quite know what it means.  I haven't painted in months anyways, so who knows.  But that was my dream....

Update

Well, life is still uninteresting, but that's OK.  I am still job searching and taking care of my dog Bella.  Life hasn't really changed much on the outside at all.

Like I said..That's OK.  

Because inside, things are changing a lot.  God has still been working in me daily and teaching me so many new and wonderful things.  He has also recently connected me with some wonderful people that have always meant so much to me.  It is funny how sometimes you lose touch with someone, and then once your lives meet again, they mean even more to you now.  And that is what God has been doing.  

The loneliness is fading, even though there still aren't people nearby.  That doesn't matter.  I get to chat with my friend in Africa, my cousin, my sister, and other friends hours away.  It is so wonderful how God can keep people so connected despite their physical distance to each other.

So life is still uninteresting, but I know when God is ready, he will open up the doors to change that.  So for now, patience. 

Until life is interesting again...

I have found that I am afraid.  It's this whole future thing that gets to me and how unsure it is.  And in running from my fears or avoiding them, I have become stuck.  So I am now trying to get unstuck.

Since I never have anything worth sharing about my own thoughts, I am putting writing them down on hold.

I do write about my puppy, though, so my family and friends can see pictures of her as she grows.  That blog is belladonna-adventures.blogspot.com.  That is totally dedicated to things about how she is growing and what she is getting in to.

So until my own life is interesting, I bid this blog farewell for now.

Praying some exciting doors open up.

Rabies through my window

My rabid friends are back again!  With the winter season going full speed ahead, we have had to have the heaters on and fires lit many nights.  With my room being the only room upstairs, the air conditioning is linked to the downstairs unit. This is a dumb idea in my mind.  Heat rises.  A lot.  So this winter, my room has been able to melt candles because all the heat ends upstairs.  To counter the big wax melt I had opened my bathroom window to let some out that hot air vent out.  I could not open my bedroom windows because they don't have a screen on them.

The screen on my bathroom window is not a trustworthy screen.  I had to duct tape some parts of it in order to make it stay.  I had full faith in the system.  And it seemed to prove itself to work for a couple of days.  The hot air went out while the duct tape reinforced screen kept anything but cool air from coming back in.

I woke up to some kind of scratching noise at the window.  It freaked me out because Bella started barking from her cage, too.  Every sound and movement seemed amplified by my half asleep/ half awake state of mind, and I couldn't tell which parts I was dreaming or not.

I am pretty sure it wasn't a gorilla or dinosaur hand sticking through the window.  All I could see was this little paw pulling on the tape trying to get the screen opened.  All I could think was rabies, so I shut the door.

Luckily, it never came inside.  I don't know what I would have done had it breached the barrier and made it into my closet.  I would probably have waited until it was quiet, opened the door, and then succumb to its full on attack of biting and scratching and spreading diseases.  But luckily, the sound of the door seemed to scare it away, and I closed the window.  Now candles can melt again, but at least Bella and I are safe.

Almost A New Year

Well, another year has passed. Almost.

Looking back on the year, I see so many changes.  Relationships come and gone, pets as well.  There are so many people I have met this year, and so many that I haven't heard from in a long time.  I miss them.  I miss friends.  I miss Arkansas.  I miss Ginger and Oscar and so much more.

But life brings its changes.  I have been changing and growing a lot.  This is the first time in a long time when I have been able to feel close to God again.  I am glad to be growing in my relationship and knowledge of him.  His comfort is great in this lonely stage in life.

This year has brought a new member to my family.  My sister got married, and they are so happily in love. I am glad to see all my sisters happily married.  They inspire me not to give up on love, and to have faith that it is real.  So I haven't given up on fairy tales yet.  Just waiting for them to find me.  I think I would like a Jacob and Rachel kind of love.  Without the extra wives and slaves.  But just the way he loved her so much that he pursued her whole heartedly, willing to work 14 years for her.  Or a Hosea kind of love, after he bought her back.  Hosea is by far my favorite book I have read.  I will have to blog about why later.  But it is very deep in my heart.

This Christmas also brought a new dog.  My dog, Ginger, passed away this summer.  Along with my 4 year old fish Oscar.  Those were both really devastating.  But I was finally able to get another puppy.  Her name is Bella Donna.  She is sometimes more like destructo-puppy, but I love her still.  I just hope I can raise her well.

As the year ends, I am praying for an even better year to come.  I am that cool person who has nothing to do on New Years, so I am sitting home alone blogging.  And getting my legs chewed off by my mutant dog.  I am praying that this next year bring health to my family and opportunities for new friendships and a social life.  Maybe good job stuff, too.  That would be nice.

What have we done to this beautiful world?

We as a human collective always seem to be in a constant battle to destroy the beautiful things God has created. We take and take without giving back to nature.  And then we try to stay naive about all that goes on, or we try to cover up the blame, so that we wont have to act responsively to what we are convicted of.

I am noticing this in my own life, too.  It is so easy to be ignorant because there is no knowledge of things that need to be changed.  I tend to focus on my own selfish life rather than focus on God's creation.  But, God put man on earth to rule and domain his creation, and in the context of that command, the only ruler and domineer to model after was God.  And he rules with love and compassion and grace.  We tend to model our behavior after dictators and Hitler and evil people.  Look at the dolphin slaughter, or the way we cut down too many forest and our waste we throw back on the land and waters and animals.  But, we try to justify it by saying that it is economical or practical or all part of building up our society.  It's just that we aren't being good stewards with what God commanded us to take care of when we see no conviction in our actions, or try to make changes in the world.

We still eat the meat from the slaughterhouses that don't allow chickens to ever see sunlight, and pump the animals so full of chemicals because they have been raised in their own crap.  We justify it by saying that that is the only way to feed a lot of people, or we stay naive about it, or we just say that caring is for the hippies.

We also support the food industries that tae buses to Mexico, bring back people to work illegally, and then hire the police to deport the workers after a time as criminals so that the company won't have to give them a raise.  But the people bringing the buses are never looked at, only the people doing the work.  And we support this because we still buy their food because it is cheap and easy.

We support so much waste in the world, so much cruelty in the world, just because we want things easy.  How dumb is that?  Just because it is easy doesn't mean it is right.  And nowhere in the Bible does God say he came to make our lives easy.  Yes, it says he gives us rest and his burden is light and his yolk is easy, but that does not mean that we are to live easy lives.  It just means he gives us inner peace and strength.  We are called to be lazy turds.

But we are lazy turds.  I am realizing how much I don't do because it would disrupt the normal way of my lazy life, or because people will think weird of me for acting out of conviction.

I used to get teased a lot for my environmental thoughts.  But God made this beautiful creation which we are so easily destroying with our waste and our slaughter and our lack of responsible action.  We are selfish stewards.

I am not saying we should all be vegetarians and never eat anything we haven't grown ourselves, but I am saying that maybe we should research what we support when we buy our produce and products and materials, etc.  Because even if you are naive that you might be supporting something sinful when you buy something from a sinful company, you are still responsible.  I am still responsible.

So now, I am going to try to be less lazy with life and to act responsibly once more.  There is so much beauty in the world, and I don't want to support it being destroyed.

Inspiration from a teabag

I am a tea drinker.  I love all kinds of hot teas and herbal teas.  Lately I have been drinking the Yogi brand tea, which has these wonderful little thoughts for inspiration on the tag of the tea bag.  Tonights tea stated, 

"We are here to love each other, serve each other, and uplift each other."

Tea has never been so honest!  And it got me thinking about the idea of love.  

Today love seems so temporary and disposable.  I am just as bad as others at forgetting the meaning of love.  We say I love this and I love that and I love you and I love pizza....  We have turned love into this temporary feeling or this temporary thought, when actually, love isn't temporary at all.  Real love isn't at least.

Our model for love isn't supposed to be from this world, but the One who is love and created love.  The Bible says that God is love, and it also says that love never fails, never falters or stumbles.  It doesn't just go away some day when the lovey-dovey feeling is gone.  That is because love isn't the emotion we think it is, but love is an act to be proven.  It isn't based on our words, but our acts.  The love we feel for one anyone is supposed to be an act of service and encouragement and patience and kindness to each other.  

When God said He loved us, it wasn't only through words, but His acts.  He came down and lowered Himself to be one of us, to die for us and redeem us from our own sins.  He didn't have to do that, but He proved His love for us.  And that love never fails.

I have been through many friendships and relationships where love was just this temporary statement.  It was an "I will love you forever" with a side note of "but I might change my mind."  And all the times love was promised to me but abandoned, it made me doubt that love was real at all.  I still struggle with this, and I can only pray that God will help me along the way.  But now I am understanding that love isn't this feeling we state out loud, but it's something that compels us to act in certain ways that prove our love.  Just as Christ loved us and served and uplifted us, so should we to each other because of this love.

And this is what a simple pot of tea reminded me of.  

Massacre

Sadly, 10 of my fish dies today from overheating.  Apparently the heater in the tank shorted out and heated the water to 97 degrees, which turned out to be very fatal to some of my fish.  Amazingly all the mollies and platies made it, though.  But I am sad for those lost.  It was pretty depressing to find a lot of dead fish, though.

On another note, I don't know what I am doing with my life.  I don't even feel like me anymore.  I just feel like a vegetable.  I miss excitement and adventure and being with friends and so much more.  Unfortunately I am too broke to go see my friends or even really pay for gas to leave the house.  I barely drive so that I can save the gas in my tank for when I really need it.  But I'm working on fixing that.  Hoping to find a job soon, and then maybe I will be able to afford some adventure, or maybe even move away to where there are people my age to find adventure with.

I miss Arkansas. It was a beautiful place.

Oh crap

I was feeling a bit down today so I decided to cheer myself up, and this is what came from it.

I read too much sometimes.

Sometimes I wish life could be like in books.  I wish I could feel like a character in a story sometimes.  I used to think that it could, but I don't know anymore.  I hope someday.

Peace

I have been struggling with peace for the past couple of weeks.  I had been focusing so much on things that don't really matter, and had lost my focus on serving and loving God.  Sometimes I get caught up in the here and now, worrying about whatever situation I am in or hating where I am at in life, and I lose focus on the reason God has put me in the places I am at and what He might be trying to teach me through those situations.  And then I get restless because I see all these things ahead of me and what I want and where I want to be in life, and I forget that none of that stuff really matters.  In the whole scheme of life, it won't matter where I lived, if I had much money or not, if I got married or not, or even how long I was alive.  All that matters is if I have loved God and done my best to serve Him and tell others about Him.  It's amazing how quickly I can lose focus.  But I was reminded today that no matter what, God loves me and cares for me.  It doesn't matter where I live, how much money I have or don't have, it doesn't matter what I have done, or who I used to be, or if anyone thinks I'm pretty or not, or even if I care to love Him back.  He loves me, no matter what.  And that is awesome, and inspiring. So I am going to try to focus on things that do matter.  Because God first loved me, I want to love others.  And in the end, people are who matter, not all the material crap that the world tell me I need to have.  And realizing this today gave me a ton of peace.  God loves me.  He has a plan for my life.  And it doesn't matter what I have or don't have, because He's got me.  And this is the realization that I want to live in.  So I am thankful for the peace I have been given.  It feels truly amazing.