Baby Wolverine in my tummy.

So, I was pretty much dying last night.  I have these random excruciating stomach pains that come every month or so, just for one day, no warning or reason that the doctors can find..

And last night was my night to get that pain again.  It started around 7 pm and lasted until about 4 something in the morning.  It was a night of wanting to scalp myself to take my mind off the pain and my stomach trying to purge everything in my body.

I felt like baby wolverine was in my belly, with his little claws scratching at my insides trying to get out.  Or like the Aliens thing when the alien comes out of the body.  It was painful.

Unfortunately I had eaten popcorn that day, so I got to puke it up later.  Needless to say I won't be craving popcorn for a very long time.  It was no fun.  Luckily my friend called around midnight or 1 and talked to me until the pain passed. It was a nice distraction.

Poor Bella stayed up all night at my side.  She tried to comfort me as best she could, and today she was exhausted.  She tried to play fetch with me outside, but she would lazily walk to the ball or stick and then grab it and lay down halfway back to me.  It was a sad effort, but at least she was trying.  I very much love my pup.

And that's my update about my dying experience.

The Banquet

This was my dream last night.

There was a bunch of us at my old church, before the new sanctuary had been built, and we were still using the old sanctuary.  The piano and everything was back in its place.  We were having a bible study, and it was a week long class, almost like camp because we all stayed there.  It was only with people my age and then two adult leaders.  There were other Bible study groups with people our age, too, going on, but the main focus was this group.

In my group was my sister, a guy who was an obvious stoner and cared nothing about others, a girl who never spoke and reminded me of the strange girl in The Breakfast Club, and a friend of mine from OBU named John.  There was also a girl who was very obese, which made her angry at the world and she let everyone know how much she didn't care.  I am guessing there was more in this group, but these are the ones that stuck out.

In our bible studies, we were all expected to give input and discuss, but only my sister and I ever really said anything.  We were also expected to support each other and encourage one another.  So my sister and I tried to reach out to the others and show them that they were loved and cared about.  I started hanging out with the Breakfast Club girl, and through that she started to grow and talk and open up to the others.  It was pretty awesome to see how her life was being transformed.

Somewhere in this was thrown in a part where the teacher was teaching us about this man who uses people's skin for art.  This was a visual story, like a split scene in my mind.  And this guy would take bodies from the morgue and then melt them.  They would come out with there eyes lower on their face, no mouth or nose, and looking quite scary.  After they were melted, he would cut away their skin and use it for something artistic.  But while this split screen story was going on, when he started to cut the skin, I heard faint screaming coming from the body.  There were no eyelids anymore and the eyes seemed to stare at me.  I then realized he wasn't getting his bodies from the morgue, but he was kidnapping them and melting them alive.  Then it switched to him doing that to me.  I could feel the fire and the knife and it was very scary.

At this point, I jolted awake, turned over, and fell back to sleep.

So the dream continued..

I was back in the bible study, and now there is a bowl being passed around with candy and small prizes.  I always got the candy.  But my sister got a card inviting her to a special banquet for the outstanding people of all the bible studies.  I was happy for her because I knew she deserved it.

After that, we were told to go do some quiet time alone with God.  So I went into the sanctuary and prayed for a little while.  Then I sat at the piano and played, but this playing seemed to be a part of my communication with God.  Like He was speaking to me through the keys.

After that, John and the stoner boy came and wanted me to play piano for them, too.  In real life, John used to play piano for me after our long drives when I was stressed or upset from something in life.  But now I was playing for him.

When we got back to the bible study, my sister was getting ready for the banquet.  I was still really excited for her because this was a great honor to get to go.  So I went in to help her get ready.  The next day, when I arrived at the bible study everyone was talking about the banquet and how wonderful it was.  They had all been secretly given invitations and only the angry girl and myself weren't invited.  I couldn't understand why I hadn't been invited, and why everyone else was secretly given invitations.  But I remember being sad because everyone seemed to have left me behind.  They all got to go to the great banquet, but I had to stay.

And that was my dream...

Pictures

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Dreams

I have been having some pretty vivid dreams again.  Most of them are scary and involve me dying or running from something.  But last night's dream broke that streak for once...

I was back at OBU, in the art building.  I was in a painting class and was surrounded by all these projects that I was working on.  It felt so good to be painting again, and everything was joyous and wonderful.  Then, two of my professors came in a took all my paintings and my supplies out of the room and threw them in the hallway.  They said they had to make way for newer students and that I wasn't allowed to paint anymore.  So me and this other girl who had been kicked out tried to go to another room, but that room was full too.  And for every room we entered, more and more people were in there setting up, and our professors followed us along telling us we weren't allowed to paint anymore.

Then this thought came over me...I kept thinking about how nothing was going for me in life and that all I had left was the work I had already finished, and I wasn't allowed to create anymore.  And I kept thinking, if I'm not allowed to paint, I might as well die.

And then I woke up.  It was very creepy in my head, and I don't quite know what it means.  I haven't painted in months anyways, so who knows.  But that was my dream....

Update

Well, life is still uninteresting, but that's OK.  I am still job searching and taking care of my dog Bella.  Life hasn't really changed much on the outside at all.

Like I said..That's OK.  

Because inside, things are changing a lot.  God has still been working in me daily and teaching me so many new and wonderful things.  He has also recently connected me with some wonderful people that have always meant so much to me.  It is funny how sometimes you lose touch with someone, and then once your lives meet again, they mean even more to you now.  And that is what God has been doing.  

The loneliness is fading, even though there still aren't people nearby.  That doesn't matter.  I get to chat with my friend in Africa, my cousin, my sister, and other friends hours away.  It is so wonderful how God can keep people so connected despite their physical distance to each other.

So life is still uninteresting, but I know when God is ready, he will open up the doors to change that.  So for now, patience.